My sports agnosticism is heightened after seeing Olympic Curling.  Curling is a frozen combination of shuffleboard, croquet, sweeping the floor and what Canadians do after too many Molson Golden’s. My sports neutrality turns partisan when Europeans claim their football is superior to our football.

Soccer, as we unenlightened Americans call it, is as boring as watching the Queens makeup dry, as bland as English food and as pale as the average Irish buttock. Soccer fans are more interesting than soccer games.

On Monday in Scotland, the BBC broadcast of the match between Ross County vs. Saint Mirren was delayed because the excessive foul language used by fans had to be bleeped out. The Scots are known for being cheap, but apparently, their language can be quite rich.

My name is E. Curtis Johnson. An Englishman once bet me that European football was manlier than American Football because, “European fans were more dangerous and fanatical.” Soccer fans, I’ll take that bet and raise you with Oakland Raider fans. Game and bet over!